Why You Keep Avoiding Things You Actually Want to Do
Quick Answer: People often avoid things they genuinely want because those things carry emotional weight. When something matters to you, it also carries the possibility of failure, judgment, disappointment, or change. Avoidance protects you from those uncomfortable feelings in the short term, but over time it keeps you stuck. Avoiding what you want usually isn't about a lack of desire. It's about fear, perfectionism, or a part of you trying to keep you safe.
In This Article:
What is avoidance behavior?
Why would you avoid something you actually want?
Is it self-sabotage?
Is avoidance holding you back? A quick self-check
For parents: when your teen avoids things they care about
How to stop avoiding things you actually want to do
When to consider therapy for avoidance
What to expect when you start therapy
In-person and online counseling options
About your therapist: Destina Rekeweg, LMHC
Frequently asked questions
You've wanted to start that project for months. You keep meaning to text the friend you miss. You signed up for the class, bought the supplies, saved the application link, and then didn't follow through.
The confusing part? You actually want these things. This isn't a chore you're dodging. It's something that matters to you. So why does it keep slipping away?
If you've ever asked yourself, "Why do I avoid things I want to do?", you're far from alone. At Unwilted Counseling, this is one of the most common patterns we see in teens and young adults, and it almost always makes more sense than it first appears.
What Is Avoidance Behavior?
Avoidance behavior is any action, or inaction, that helps you steer clear of a situation, task, feeling, or thought that feels uncomfortable. It can look like procrastinating, distracting yourself, making excuses, canceling plans, or simply "not getting around to it."
Avoidance isn't a character flaw. It's a natural human coping strategy. In the short term, it works: avoiding something brings a wave of relief. The problem is that the relief is temporary, while the cost, missed opportunities, guilt, and feeling stuck, keeps growing.
Why Would You Avoid Something You Actually Want?
1. The Things That Matter Most Feel the Riskiest
When something doesn't matter to you, it's easy to do. There's nothing on the line. But when you care about a goal, a relationship, or a dream, it suddenly carries risk.
If you try and it doesn't work out, it might feel like proof that you're not good enough. Not trying keeps the dream safe and untested. As long as you haven't started, you can't fail at it.
2. Fear of Failure
Fear of failure is one of the biggest drivers of avoidance. It often sounds like:
"What if I'm not actually good at this?"
"What if I put in all this effort and it doesn't work?"
"What if people see me struggle?"
For many young people, failure doesn't just feel like a missed outcome. It can feel like a statement about who they are. When your sense of worth is tied to performance, avoidance becomes a way to protect it. Self-esteem and identity counseling can help separate who you are from what you achieve.
3. Fear of Success
It sounds surprising, but fear of success is real. Success can bring new expectations, more visibility, more pressure, or changes in relationships. If part of you worries that success will mean being "found out," losing people, or having to keep performing at a higher level, avoidance can quietly keep things the same.
4. Perfectionism Makes Starting Feel Impossible
Perfectionism tells you that if you can't do something perfectly, it's not worth doing at all. So you wait for the perfect time, the perfect plan, the perfect amount of energy, which rarely arrives.
Perfectionism often looks like high standards from the outside. On the inside, it can feel like constant pressure and fear of falling short. It's one of the most common reasons capable, motivated people end up stuck.
5. Anxiety and the Avoidance Cycle
Anxiety and avoidance feed each other in what's often called the anxiety avoidance cycle:
You think about doing the thing, and anxiety rises.
You avoid it, and you feel relief.
Your brain learns that avoiding equals safety.
Next time, the anxiety feels even bigger.
Over time, things you want, such as reaching out to people, trying something new, or speaking up, can start to feel more and more out of reach. Anxiety and depression therapy helps break this cycle gently, without forcing you into situations before you're ready. If the avoidance centers on people, like texting first, joining groups, or being seen, social anxiety counseling may be especially helpful.
6. Part of You Wants It, and Part of You Doesn't
It's completely normal to have mixed feelings. One part of you is excited to apply for the job. Another part is terrified of rejection. One part wants to reconnect with an old friend. Another part remembers how hurt you were last time.
Approaches like IFS-informed therapy (Internal Family Systems) view these as different "parts" of you, each trying to help in its own way. The part that avoids it isn't your enemy. It's usually trying to protect you from pain. When you understand what that part is afraid of, it often becomes easier to move forward.
7. Past Experiences Taught You to Stay Safe
If you've been criticized, rejected, or hurt when you put yourself out there before, your nervous system may have learned that wanting things is risky. Avoidance can become an automatic protective response, even when the current situation is safe.
Trauma therapy can help your mind and body update these old lessons so you're not ruled by past experiences.
8. Low Energy, Burnout, or Executive Function Challenges
Sometimes avoidance isn't about fear at all. Depression, burnout, and ADHD can make it hard to start or sustain even enjoyable activities. When your energy is low, things you love can feel like one more demand. (You may also relate to our post on why simple tasks feel hard when you're overwhelmed.)
If motivation and follow-through are ongoing struggles, executive function and motivation therapy or depression and mood disorder counseling can help you understand what's getting in the way.
Is It Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage describes patterns where your actions work against your own goals, such as procrastinating on important things, picking fights in good relationships, or quitting right before a breakthrough.
The word can sound harsh, but self-sabotage is rarely intentional. It usually comes from a protective place: avoiding disappointment, rejection, or the vulnerability of really wanting something. Understanding the "why" behind the pattern is the first step to changing it.
Common Things People Avoid (Even When They Want Them)
Starting a creative project, hobby, or passion
Applying for jobs, programs, or college opportunities
Reaching out to friends or making new connections
Pursuing a relationship, or ending one that isn't working
Exercising, cooking, or taking care of themselves
Going to therapy or asking for help
Having an honest conversation they've been putting off
If relationships are a big part of what you're avoiding, relationship counseling can help you explore those patterns with care.
Is Avoidance Holding You Back? A Quick Self-Check
This isn't a diagnostic test. It's a chance to pause and notice your own patterns. Ask yourself whether any of these feel familiar:
I have a goal I've been "about to start" for months.
I feel relief when plans get canceled, even plans I was looking forward to.
I tell myself I'll start when I have more time, energy, or confidence.
I'd rather not try than try and fall short.
I feel guilty or frustrated with myself for not following through.
I distract myself with my phone, other tasks, or busyness when something important comes up.
I've stopped doing things I used to enjoy without really knowing why.
If several of these resonate, it doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It may mean avoidance has become a familiar way of protecting yourself, and that you deserve support in finding a different way forward.
For Parents: When Your Teen Avoids Things They Care About
It can be confusing and worrying to watch your teen pull away from activities, friends, or goals they once loved. Many parents wonder whether it's laziness, a phase, or something more.
Teens often avoid things they care about for the same reasons adults do: fear of failure, perfectionism, social anxiety, low mood, or feeling overwhelmed. Because teens are still developing emotional and executive function skills, these patterns can feel even harder for them to explain or change on their own.
A few ways to support your teen:
Lead with curiosity, not criticism. Try "It seems like soccer has been feeling hard lately. What's been going on?" instead of "Why won't you just go?"
Lower the pressure. Pushing harder often increases avoidance. Help break goals into small, manageable steps.
Notice patterns over time. Persistent changes in mood, sleep, friendships, school performance, or interests may signal that more support could help.
Validate the feeling, even if you don't agree with the avoidance. Feeling understood makes it easier for teens to take the next step.
Model asking for help. When teens see adults seek support, it becomes easier for them to do the same.
If avoidance is affecting your teen's daily life, teen and young adult counseling in Fort Wayne offers a space where they can feel heard and build confidence at their own pace. A free 15-minute consultation is a low-pressure way to ask questions and see if therapy feels like a good fit.
How to Stop Avoiding Things You Actually Want to Do
Get Curious About the Fear
Ask yourself: "What am I afraid will happen if I do this?" Then: "What am I afraid will happen if I succeed?" Naming the fear takes away some of its power.
Shrink the First Step
Instead of "write a book," try "write for five minutes." Instead of "get back in shape," try "walk to the end of the street." Small actions lower the emotional stakes and build trust in yourself.
Separate Trying From Your Worth
Remind yourself that attempting something is not a test of who you are. You can try, learn, and adjust without it defining your value.
Allow "Good Enough"
Give yourself permission to do something imperfectly. A messy first draft, an awkward text, or a beginner-level attempt is still progress.
Notice the Relief Trap
When you feel relief after avoiding something, pause and notice it. Ask whether that relief is moving you closer to what you want, or further away.
Talk Kindly to the Part of You That's Scared
Instead of pushing past the fear, try acknowledging it: "I know you're worried this won't go well. We can take it slowly." Self-compassion makes it easier to move forward than self-criticism does. Learning to work with emotions this way is central to emotion regulation counseling.
Plan for the Feeling, Not Just the Task
Expect discomfort to show up. Decide ahead of time how you'll respond, maybe by taking a few slow breaths, texting a supportive friend, or reminding yourself why this matters.
When to Consider Therapy for Avoidance
It may be helpful to talk with a therapist if:
You've been stuck in the same avoidance pattern for months
Avoidance is affecting school, work, or relationships
You feel guilt, shame, or frustration with yourself most days
Anxiety, low mood, or past experiences seem connected
You're facing a big change and keep stalling
Avoidance often shows up strongly during major changes, like graduating, moving away, starting college, or entering adulthood. Life transition counseling offers support through these seasons.
How Unwilted Counseling Helps
At Unwilted Counseling, therapy for teens and young adults ages 13 to 25 is trauma-informed and relational. Rather than just telling you to "push through," therapy helps you understand what your avoidance is protecting you from, so lasting change feels possible.
Depending on your needs, therapy may draw on EMDR, IFS-informed work, emotion-focused therapy, psychodynamic therapy, and practical skills-based strategies. Learn more about individual therapy.
What to Expect When You Start Therapy
If you tend to avoid things, starting therapy can feel like one more thing to put off. Knowing exactly what happens next can make it easier.
Free 15-minute consultation. Talk about what's bringing you to therapy, what you'd like to change, and whether Unwilted Counseling feels like the right fit. There's no pressure and no obligation.
Initial assessment (50 minutes). Explore your history, concerns, strengths, and goals so your therapist can understand the bigger picture.
A personalized approach. Together, you'll shape a plan based on what you're experiencing and what you want to work toward.
Ongoing sessions (50 minutes). Therapy moves at a pace that feels right for you, focusing on understanding patterns and building practical tools.
You don't have to know exactly why you're struggling before you start. You just need a place to begin. Common questions about fees, scheduling, and policies are answered on the FAQs page.
In-Person and Online Counseling Options
Avoidance can make even reaching out for help feel like one more thing to put off. That's why Unwilted Counseling offers flexible ways to get support, so starting therapy fits your life instead of adding pressure to it.
In-Person Therapy in Fort Wayne, Indiana
If you prefer meeting face-to-face, in-person sessions are available at 3514 Stellhorn Rd., Fort Wayne, IN 46815, serving teens and young adults throughout Fort Wayne and Allen County. The private, comfortable office offers a calm space to step away from daily distractions and focus on what's been holding you back.
In-person therapy can be especially helpful if home doesn't feel private, if you find it easier to open up in person, or if you want a dedicated space that feels separate from school, work, and everyday stress.
Online Therapy Across Indiana and Ohio
If getting to an office feels like a barrier, virtual therapy lets you attend sessions from home, campus, or any private space. Online sessions are held through secure, HIPAA-compliant technology and are not recorded.
Virtual counseling is available for eligible clients across Indiana and, through the Counseling Compact, for eligible clients in Ohio. It can be a good fit for concerns like anxiety, depression, stress, life transitions, relationships, self-esteem, and mild to moderate trauma.
Online therapy can make it easier to:
Stay consistent during school breaks, travel, or busy semesters
Skip the commute and the extra stress that comes with it
Access care if transportation or mobility is a challenge
Start therapy in a space where you already feel comfortable
Many clients also use a combination of in-person and online sessions, depending on what each week looks like.
About Your Therapist: Destina Rekeweg, LMHC
At Unwilted Counseling, you work directly with Destina Rekeweg, LMHC, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who is genuinely passionate about supporting teens and young adults as they navigate growth, change, and healing.
Destina specializes in working with people who appear capable on the outside but feel overwhelmed, stuck, or emotionally exhausted inside, which is often exactly where avoidance patterns take root. Her areas of focus include trauma and PTSD, anxiety, and life transitions.
Her approach is trauma-informed and relational, drawing on:
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
IFS-informed work (Internal Family Systems)
Emotion-focused therapy
Psychodynamic therapy
Cognitive and skills-based strategies when helpful
This combination is well suited to avoidance, because it doesn't just focus on pushing you to "do the thing." It helps you understand the fears and protective parts behind the pattern, while also building practical tools for moving forward.
Destina holds a Master's in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and has over three years of clinical experience. Because Unwilted Counseling is a solo practice, you'll have consistent, one-on-one care with the same therapist from your first consultation onward.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I avoid things I want to do?
People often avoid things they want because those things carry emotional risk, such as the possibility of failure, rejection, judgment, or change. Avoidance brings short-term relief from those feelings, even though it keeps you from what you want.
Is avoiding things a sign of anxiety?
It can be. Avoidance is one of the most common ways anxiety shows up. Avoiding something reduces anxiety in the moment, but over time it can make the anxiety stronger.
Why do I self-sabotage when things are going well?
Self-sabotage often happens when success feels unfamiliar or unsafe, or when part of you fears disappointment, higher expectations, or losing something. It's usually a protective pattern rather than a conscious choice.
What's the difference between procrastination and avoidance?
Procrastination is delaying a task. Avoidance is the broader pattern of steering clear of uncomfortable situations, feelings, or tasks. Procrastination is often one form of avoidance, especially when it's driven by emotions rather than poor time management.
How do I stop avoiding things I want?
Start by naming what you're afraid of, then take a very small first step. Allow imperfection, practice self-compassion, and notice when relief from avoiding is keeping you stuck. Therapy can help if the pattern is long-standing.
How can I help my teen who avoids things they care about?
Lead with curiosity instead of criticism, lower the pressure, and help break goals into small steps. If avoidance continues or affects mood, school, or friendships, a consultation with a teen therapist can help.
Can therapy help with avoidance and self-sabotage?
Yes. Therapy can help you understand the fears and past experiences driving avoidance, build coping skills, and feel safer pursuing what matters to you.
Who is the therapist at Unwilted Counseling?
Unwilted Counseling is a solo practice led by Destina Rekeweg, LMHC, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who specializes in trauma and PTSD, anxiety, and life transitions for teens and young adults ages 13 to 25.
Can I do therapy online instead of in person?
Yes. Unwilted Counseling offers in-person therapy in Fort Wayne, Indiana, and secure, HIPAA-compliant online therapy for eligible clients across Indiana and Ohio. Many clients use a combination of both. Find more answers on the FAQs page.
Key Takeaways
Avoiding things you want is usually about fear, not lack of desire.
Fear of failure, fear of success, perfectionism, and anxiety are common drivers.
Avoidance brings short-term relief but keeps you stuck long-term.
Self-sabotage is typically protective, not intentional.
Small steps, curiosity, and self-compassion make change more possible.
Therapy, in person in Fort Wayne or online across Indiana and Ohio, can help shift long-standing avoidance patterns.
Moving Toward What You Want
The things you keep avoiding are often the things that matter most to you. That's not a sign you don't want them enough. It's a sign that wanting them feels vulnerable.
You don't have to force yourself forward alone. Unwilted Counseling offers a free 15-minute consultation to talk about what's holding you back and whether therapy feels like a good fit. Request your free consultation or call or text (260) 255-6432.
If you are in crisis or having thoughts of harming yourself, please call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or call 911 in an emergency.
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